For most guys, moving out is about freedom.
The freedom to bring whoever you want to your crib anytime you want. The freedom to cook whatever you want at whatever time you want – you can have Weetabix and milk for supper and there will be no one to judge your choices. The freedom to walk around in your boxers scratching your balls while going to the fridge for the umpteenth time as if you expected by some miracle three cans of beer will reappear. Freedom to come and go as you please. The freedom of never having to make your bed or do dishes, dishes especially.
There’s a whole list of freedoms that guys crave for when they first move out. With all these in mind, the fantasies are built up fast. A guy will imagine what he will do with all the freedom. Endless parties? Yes! Endless knickers being dropped by the bed post? Yes! Fully stocked fridge with junk food and beer? Yes!
And then there are absolute non-essentials. And most guys are are clueless when it comes to shopping for their pad. Ladies are meticulous when they are starting off; they will color coordinate their future furniture to their carpets and curtains. They will arrange the cupboards in their heads with all sorts of cutlery. Even when cash-strapped, a lady moving out for the first time will have a more functional house than a loaded guy moving out for the first time.
So what are some of the most non-essential things do guys actually buy?
Big Ass TV
When they say size doesn’t matter they lied. Or they were talking about nether regions. For guys anything below 40 inches is a tablet. The chap is better of spending a huge chunk of his moving out money to secure a big ass smart TV and end up sleeping on the floor. When you ask us why it is simple: “I can’t watch the bed, you know.”
2. Music System
What is a bachelor’s life without music to drown out his sorrows and blur the endless calls from mobile money lending agents asking for their money back? A guy will move out and will get a music system that might be out of their budget. They don’t care. They want to play music and they want to play it loud. For starters they will get something decent enough to shake the bathroom windows and hope to upgrade later. Little do they know that they are moving to an apartment where a lady recently gave birth and kids don’t like disturbance.
When you are moving out for the first time you want to enjoy this new found freedom. Back at the folks you probably drunk in secret, or went out to a local and got home before curfew. But now, you have your own place. You are king of those four walls and you’d be damned if by the end of the night you were not his highness, literally. Guys will stock up with a bottle or six the first time they move out. They will not think about where they will store it, they will just get it.
4. Useless Groceries
Most guys will not have the faintest idea of what they need in their new house. They’ve been misinformed by their imaginations that what they need is man food. A guy on their first shopping spree will buy sausages, ham, bacon, hot dogs, bread and the oil they will need to cook all that. But that’s just as far as it goes. Oh, did I mention soft drinks? Yes that Gilbeys has to be chased with some lime…
5. Useless Cutlery
Of course you are getting your own place. So you know the first thing you will do is have people over. Most guys will invest in plastic party cups. Others might get some glass, but that’s not the point. The only reason they are getting these cups is because they anticipate to have company over. All the time. They are being informed by their imagination.
Most guys will also get a pan because how else will they fry their food? A couple of plates usually not exceeding 3. They will look at other essential cutlery and write it off because “It is too expensive”. They will convince themselves there is enough months in a year to get them later. It will only hit them later when they want to whip up Ugali that they do not have a mwiko – this is from my own personal experience – and end up using a table spoon to stir the most horrendous thing to hit your mouth since you tasted Seven Seas Cod Liver oil.
6. Non-essential Toiletries
It makes sense since you are moving out that the bathroom should be sparkling clean. But, when it comes to most guys, the first time makes them buy useless things like deo – not like they did not have any when they moved out. They will get lotions and/or Vaseline. But thank God most of us remembered to get tissue paper. Little things like the brush you scrub the toilet with or toilet cleaner will only hit you later on in the month when you or one of your guests has left some sticky skid marks on the ceramic bowl and it just won’t come out.
At the end of the experience the first time mover will find they have huge gaps in their living. You realize you need a mop. Right after that you realize two sufurias are not enough. Then you realize that the sufurias need lids. Then it becomes a shit show when your gas chokes on its last embers in the middle of the night and you realize that it is a recurring expense. Reality then hits some more when you have to change bedsheets in a rainy April and realize you have one pair like a Form 2 Blue rebel. Speaking of which, it also hits you that detergent does not grow on trees either.
But hey, there’s always a first time for everything. At least you got drunk, while watching your big ass TV listening to window shaking music till the wee hours of the night where a curfew could not touch you.