Most men would not know a good whiskey if it walked in front of them like a nubile model, dangling the goodies and they were horny.
I don’t blame them. I also would not know a good whiskey. I got the short end of the stick when it comes to whiskey palettes, but I’ve faked my way to enjoy it. And since I’ve been a bad curator for these past two weeks, what better way to slide back in than with a simple guide into soaking one of the most pleasurable liveable moments.
1. Be a man
Even if you are a woman, be a man. To enjoy whiskey, you must ditch the ‘woiye’ attitude. Whiskey stings. As Ian Duncan puts it, some of them go down scratching and screaming. The least you can do is to wince, then cover it up with a deep sigh. Close your eyes and hold those tears back.
2. Appearances matter
No one will tell you this but the secret to enjoying whiskey is acting like you enjoy it. It is all about appearances. From how you dress, talk, smell and even the kind of glass you use. Do not wear timberlands and order for whiskey. Do not look like you came to remix the Lamba solo video and order whiskey. The scale for enjoying whiskey lies between cheers baba and gentleman. Found your balance.
Also, the most expensive whiskeys don’t necessarily taste the best. But heck, if you can have a bottle of an 18-year-old something with 4 zeros following its price tag like a loyal dog – get it. If people know it is expensive then you’ll sort of enjoy it more.
3. Know a few terms
Wine tasters will talk about silly stuff like breathing. Or aerating. Whiskey has its terms too. So, when you are in the company of friends throw those terms around. Sniff your whiskey, not like a hound dog though. Be gentle bring it a little distance from your nose and get a quick whiff. Say something along the lines of hints of vanilla. Then once you swish it to the back of your throat pretend it sat on your tongue for a while. Say stuff like “there’s a charred smoky flavor to it and the distant tanginess of berries”. But be careful – some whiskeys are purely colored spirits.
Sodas are for dates at Chicken Inn. How do you enjoy something if you are trying to distort its taste?
4. Pick a side
There’s a silent battle between people that enjoy single malts and those that take blended. The single malt fellas feel superior. They’re the most likely to throw around terms like the ones in point 3. But for the sake of enjoying your whiskey, you must pick a side. Either you take single malts or you take blended. Once you pick a side, pick a brand. Here you will have to experiment. Find one that sits well with you. Then stay there. Occasionally you are allowed to stray, for adventure, but always stick to your drink. It’s like a forced marriage after a while you will just settle into it and find yourself enjoying it.
5. Neat or over ice
Please leave the soda for dates at Chicken Inn. How do you enjoy something if you are trying to distort its taste? Insist on ice. Or cold water. At least for the first few doubles. Then maybe after that, when your tongue can no longer take the assault, bring in a subtle mixer. This means no sugary fizzy drinks – NO FANTA! A sprite or a Coke Zero should do. Though some swear over tangawizi soda and a blended scotch, but it is a rumor. The flavors are off. Don’t!
6. Don’t get drunk
Decent clubs parade whiskey around like it is some sort of whore for sale. It is not. She is the kind of drink you take home and display on a shelf for visitors. She is more of a trophy wife. So, the best way to enjoy her is in the comfort of your home, with good company and good food. Do not get drunk on it. A fine whiskey tipsy is enough. If you want to get smashed there’s stuff like vodka that can do the job.
7. Have a beard
This is self-explanatory. The beardless gang are better off with a cider or a ready to drink vodka.
So, now that you know how to enjoy a good whiskey maybe I can go back into my corner and curl up into a softball.
The article originally published in the Author’s blog.