The holiday is officially upon us. Most of you will be traveling to the countryside, for the annual Christmas razzmatazz.Reading Time: 3 minutes
The holiday is officially upon us. Most of you will be traveling to the countryside, for the annual Christmas razzmatazz.
Our social media will soon be flooded with photos of Nairobians in the village acting like it is the most exotic thing in the world. Like they never grew up in the village.
Even as we lord it over the villagers, summer bunnies are in town, already, flashing dollars, pounds and euros, or whatever is their sign. Dirhams and Riyals equally count.
As we know, those who have been out of the country, are more important than all of us. First, if sufficiently, generous, they always throw a good round, can leave you their sneakers and T-shirts, so the better to behave around the,
So, we have a 12-point plan of behaving around them.
- Gas station means the petrol station, don’t wait for an explanation.
- Apologise for all the traffic. When they left 10 years ago, Nairobi was not as clogged as it is today. If they ask, if anything ever gets done in the country, politely tell them NO. We live in traffic.
- Don’t take them anywhere they feel insecure. An iPhone costs an arm and a leg. Their life is equally precious. So, avoid Moi Avenue, Tom Mboya, Kenyatta Avenue, Haile Selassie, Koinange St. In fact, the entire CBD is a cesspit of crime and a million beggars who will be a great source of discomfort. Stick to malls.
- But most don’t like malls, it is a replication of culture, the same shitty lifestyles they hate abroad. Figure out, something out-of-town, outdoorsy. Much preferable. That is if they can afford.
- Kindly, help in translating any new joke in town, slang or anything that needs context. Despite the world being more connected than ever before, they are mostly too busy to follow everything back home.
- If you notice they are broke, or stingy, don’t take them to Kiza. You will never hear the last of it. It takes so much sweat to make money only to spend it on expensive, crappy beer, with women of dubious morals.
- They will not leave any of their phones behind. Unless you are their favourite sister or mother. So, don’t even bother asking.
- If you offer to be a chauffeur, know you are doing it pro bono. They will not pay you. But they will appreciate your company doubly. Also, if they give you tips, like Sh 500, act like that is what you live for.
- If they want to club every day, and you have the time, by all means, take them around. If they want women, and want you to be a pimp, get creative. But remember they are super cautious of spending on the women. But take them to a good place joint like Jiweke Tavern on a Sunday. Leave them to their own devices. The girls will always pick them up. May be it is the cologne, or the slight accent.
- They will decide when to leave the club, you don’t. If he wants to drink until the next day, exercise patience. If they want to leave before the DJ plays the Darassa, you have no choice, leave.
- If they want to shop for Kenyan, or African stuff, recommend Gikomba. It is cheaper, though far. They rarely afford the Maasai markets. Be mindful.
- Be good listener as they indulge you. Remember they know more than you do.
- If they ask about the politics, obviously disappointed, assure them, we have lived through it and we will be fine.
- If they are bringing anything for you from abroad, kindly work at their convenience and tight schedule. If they tell you to go and pick the phone from Kiambu, or Isinya, or Kisumu, just go. Or go pick it at the airport, or see them off on the last day and kiss ass.
- Stick to Java. Or any upscale restaurant that fits their standards, don’t take them to a restaurant. Food poisoning is real.