News Cafe and their underwhelming cocktails

News Cafe and their underwhelming cocktails
Reading Time: 2 minutes

When you’re looking to impress a lady, there are few places that come to mind.  News Café is one of them.

They promise mouth-watering food.  Food that explodes into orgasms straight on your buds and climaxes in your tummy.

They also promise a significant dent on your wallet so it’s not just any lady you’ll take there.  It must be a lady that, well, has captured your heart or attention. Best if it is both. 

So as a typical Kenyan I decided to bring myself here.  Because we believe the hype and hype is everything, most of the time that is. So, the deal is that they have this happy hour they advertise all the damn time.  You can scroll through your timeline and miss an Amen post but won’t miss a News Café post.  I thought this would be a good place to start.  So, I choose the branch at Ad Life. This is a short distance from Yaya Centre.

Now when you walk into News Cafe it spits opulence.  They don’t have a bouncer at the door they just expect the burst of elegance to scare you away.

If you’re not the kind of guy used to this sh** .Walk. No one will judge.  If they do, they won’t have seen your face long enough.  Now News Café has a crap fest happy hour.  They don’t have the half price or a BOGOF. It’s basically a price slash that is around 25% price of the booze.  But yeah, why not right?

Since the place builds its foundation on legendary cocktails you have to tuck your man tail, avoid the overpriced bottles and ask for a mixed solution of decadence.  I get the Seven Deadly Sins.  I hope for so much more as compared to Mwenda’s.  Mwenda’s is that kawaida chick who gives mind blowing head.  You never expect it, but you think anyone can top it.  No one ever does. But News Cafe isn’t kawaida. She comes with the looks. Foreign accents. And well read. But we know how those usually go, mediocre sex.

That was News Café.  The cocktail was pathetic.  It was more color, ice, and chaser than anything else.  The 25% they took off must’ve been from the alcohol.  You don’t feel it.  Not when you start it. Not when you finish.  And a second one does not guarantee you Shit.  The only thing you end up having is numb lips from sipping flavored ice from a tall glass of diluted water.

Listen, I’m not a bad guy.  Heck, I have filed tax returns.  I’m friends with my ex.  Sometimes I tell her I miss her too.  So, coming from me…  Don’t go to News Ccafé.  It’s a scam. Nairobi deserves better. Nairobians deserve better.  No one is worth watered-down cocktails and hiked prices.  But if disappointment is your cup of tea then definitely visit News Café. 


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