Periods Suck! Is it Better to be a Man?

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Life is unfair and periods suck.

People talk about how cold and unfair life is. How people are turning into beasts. How global warming is affecting us. Corruption. Unemployment. Poverty. Corona Virus. Uhuru. Some are even concerned about how often you should pee in a day. But what the hell did we fucking do to deserve menstruation? What?

Periods suck. They are the worst thing to ever happen to us. Do you know how many times I thought I’d die, curled up on the floor with no one by my side, not even chicken or chapos, but fucking cramps? I don’t understand how God can be a loving Father and still want to kill you at the same time. Surely, what kind of tough love is this?

Mother Nature could have invented other ways of telling us we are not going into labor anytime soon. Like let’s say a hand written message on a wall, because she’s outdated to send a text or an email. Or a boil on the left hand because who would want a freaking boil on their face? A voice would surely be worth it, especially for lazy people like me.

Here’s why menses are the devil;

Cramps are effing painful

Very. You feel as if someone is cutting your uterus slowly. With a saw. Then the bastard takes a break to have coffee or watch porn maybe even masturbate, and then goes back to his bloody job. Sometimes, it’s like having excruciating contractions where you are giving birth to a tree. Or having a volcanic eruption in your uterus. And you still have to smile and say you are having a good day, glory be to the almighty.

You lose a shitload of blood

As if the cramps are not frigging enough, you bleed for like four to seven days.  You wake up in the morning, you are bleeding. You go take your lunch, you are bleeding. You take a selfie, bitch is still there. You sleep, wake up and they have pitched a tent in your house, taking coffee from your favorite mug, wondering why you are staring at them. It’s surprising how we survive this period.

Overwhelming emotions

You want to cry. You want to laugh. You want to lie on the floor. You want to get into bed. You want to die. You want a massage. Someone to rub your feet. You want a vanilla milkshake. And cookies and fries and a chicken cheese burger. You want to vomit. You want a love that’s absent. You want to choke someone. You miss your grandmother who decided it was better off if you met somewhere else other than earth. You want to watch a movie or preferably pull out your whole freaking goddamn uterus.

The timing is never right

Because of hormonal imbalance, Trump or because you said something about Prophet Owour, they come unexpectedly. Like the day you have an exam, an interview or on a Monday morning. A fucking Monday morning. And you are like wow, can a day get any worse?

And then it does because turns out it was also a D day. You had everything planned out. The positions, the conversation, what to wear. Mpaka you had set aside a voice to use to you know, spice things up. You even wanted to tell him how you’ll give it to him the whole night and make him scream your name but you chose to remain calm, lest he thinks you are coming with another dick. Halafu that’s the time your eyes have turned yellow because of a long dry spell. And guess who you find in your house with a pitched tent and coffee in their hands? And then you guys say eti life is unfair? Ask us.

You get a lot of anxiety. You can’t afford to sneeze or cough

You fear staining your clothes, the bed and seats especially in public spaces. So you have to wear dark colored clothes for a couple of days.  You are very uncomfortable because you feel as if someone can tell you have a thing going on or can actually see your pad. Or a stain and they fear telling you about it.

Even sneezing becomes a job because if you do so, all hell will break loose and you’ll make a bloody mess that’ll go down in history books. And 20 years later people will be talking about the lady who sneezed in an Embassava matatu and the bus flooded with blood and clots and people drowned.

You are very sick, at this point you are dying

Your stomach bloats and now you look as if you are pregnant. As if the cramps are not painful enough, you get back pains, nausea, and the worst of it all diarrhea. Like what the hell? At this point you are not sure if it’s just menses, or if you are suffering from cholera. So you just chill and ask Mother Nature if that’s all she got or there’s more left. Like her sending someone to kidnap you and leave you in Ngong Hills to die.

The stigma associated with periods

The society has attached so much stigma to periods mpaka it feels like a crime. An embarrassment. Something dirty and disgusting. We are uncomfortable talking about it. It’s as if when we do, it will cut our heads at night and record the video as a warning to others.

Isn’t it strange how some men shy away from talking about vaginas when they start bleeding? It changes from something beautiful to an unpleasant ugly monster. Yet these are men who will have daughters someday unless they deny being the father, and how will they talk to them about it?

You have to hide it so people don’t associate your moods with menses

When you are headed to the bathroom to change your pad, you have to hide it as if it’s a gun you’ll use to shoot the manager and everyone else in the office. And even when you get to the washroom, you have to be careful and silent lest someone thinks you are taking snacks from there.

I used to sit between two handsome gentlemen at work, and every time I had to change my pad, I wanted someone to stick a pencil through my heart. Not because the guys were handsome or they didn’t know ladies have menses. But because, you know, you don’t want to announce to your colleagues that it’s that fucking time of the month, so no one should cross your path, touch your freaking lunch or breathe near you.

They go and then they come back

When you think they are gone, glad they didn’t kill you. You decide to wear your favorite pants and celebrate and bam, they come back to announce their final exit and you’re like kwani how toxic can this relationship get?

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