*Refer to the alternative meaning ofthe word bitch: ‘a difficult or unpleasant situation or thing’
It is 2032, Rosa Parks stirs in her grave, thirsty. Somewhere between being dead for twenty-seven years and lamenting our inability to extract ourselves from the debilitating grasp of the historical enemy, the woman needs a drink. See, drinking in itself is a political act. And do you know how many years it took for women to be able to catwalk out of the traditional closet to a bar and casually say, ‘A chilled Sikera, please?
The Sikera Apple Cider is officially the official woman’s drink. Read that again. It is a product of a company that finally appreciated our society’s progress and dared to ask women exactly how they want their drink made. Because, Sikera is exactly how a woman wants her drink made with a touch of grace, class, and apples, contrary to Lovine Mboya’s assertion that the beer is redundant in the market.
A well-chilled Sikera touches your life with the embodiment of psychological, physical and financial freedom. It is the one thing that reminds women that they don’t have to wear heels that hurt, that they can stand up to malicious bosses, and that the expensive Cantu oil dripping from their scalp will probably not grow their hair 15 inches in two weeks. A well-chilled Sikera, that burst of sweetness, that lingering presence of apple, that sophisticated, palate-seducing floral taste, that is exactly what your glossy lips need this decade. That, water, veggies and squats.
It is 2032, and there has been a sizzling debate about whether or not this Sikera awesomeness goes into the wine glass, or straight from the bottle. Now, ladies and gentlemen, let me have the ladies’ attention as I reveal the rules of how to drink a well-chilled Sikera. You must only have it straight from the bottle on dry, haggard days. Those days when work is being a jerk, you have a client who is being a moron, and your eyebrows just won’t match. This way, the drink bubbles out past your lips flooding your mouth with the luscious tang of fermented apples- A little sour, a little savory. This, my people, is the signature taste of the Sikera cider. On the other hand, rosy days call for a wine glass, or a drink straight from the bottle. You know what? Just have it whichever way you want it! Here, you have ultimate freedom of choice.
So, what is the retail price of the KBL Sikera Premium Apple Cider? (Thought you’d never ask!). Now, if you were to sell ladies a drink that warmly sits with them during their monologues, conversations and discussions surrounding the long haul to freedom, I doubt you’d sell it at the ksh 150-250 tag that KBL is offering the drink for. The friendly prices means a lady can buy herself a drink, she can buy her friends a drink, all guys can buy their ladies a drink, and world would still have enough money for ladies to buy shoes and clothes they’ll never wear. (Also, fun fact: The Sikera bottle is so small, it can fit in your handbag!)
For everyone reading this and wondering about the downside of this drink, I can guarantee you with all the bias of a Sikera fanatic, that there is none! If you find any, kindly accept that you are the problem, it can never be an elegant, Sikera Premium Apple Cider.
For every man reading this and wondering whether they can drink a Sikera? Well, I am not really sure. You might need to get permission from your closest girlfriend, who will most likely show up and drink you and your Sikeras away.