The Eldoret Idea

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If Eldoret was a man, he would be a B-Com graduate from MKU, CPA (K) holder and pursuing an MBA at the prestigious University of Nairobi. When you combine ambition, glorious past, hype and then add tolerance at room temperature, you get Eldoret.

The place is a melting pot of dreams. (This melting pot word, anyway). Eldoret is not just a town in North rift, it’s a story, full of anecdotes and clichés, a story told in a mellow voice, because it is a touchy issue.

The town exists contrary to UN Habitat approach on land use: there should be minimal constructions on agricultural land. Who is interested with such policies nowadays? Stuff like expanding Nairobi to Athi River and re-planting coffee in Muthaiga and Pangani?

Imagine some nappier grass around Equity, Ngara branch (better so) or bananas at the Guru Nanak hospital. Eldoret is just a farm pretending to be a town. Do farmers require urban centers, si they can buy fertilizers from OLX? Well, schools teach us that markets grow up into towns, naturalists should accept and move on. The transition from soko to Tao is supposedly development. Enough. I guess this can win the dumb paragraph awards.

When we sat pretty and watched the glamour of Nairobi barbecued on the grill of vanity by these 90s kids, we underestimated the chain effect. Towns like Nakuru and Thika were allowed to import all the antics of a city struggling to escape the tyranny of egos. Sociologists consider the transfer of cultures an involuntary social process. We cannot be this helpless, something can be done to ensure upcountry towns don’t have Sonko as governors, Mbusis as the lead radio personality or Chipukeezy as the best comedians. Can’t we do better good people? c’mon.

Then there is Nakuru, the county government has brown tooth in the county logo, schools have Tuk Tuks as school vans, MPESA kiosks are run by men-Safaricom insist on lady attendants, though. The Tuskys branch has  Mutura shed next to the bakery and A.I veterinary officers roam town with their KVX Suzuki vans. Such an innocent town should be spared the curse of ‘plasticness’, but look, the ladies there just like in Nairobi still think being a rugby fan will earn you unit exemptions at university. The men still Consider showing off an iPhone as part of foreplay. Thika is not spared, club Leos and Zinc still hosts men with skinny jeans, if am not wrong, all municipal councils should have a by-law against these pants. Never mind I’m never wrong.


The town has its fair share of vanity. They still insist on lower back tattoos and you know the generous melanin among its major inhabitants. We are not waxing tribal here but opening a tattoo parlour in Eldoret is like organizing a beauty contest in Kisii town, the standards have to be questionable. I have had the displeasure of several weekends up there, see, it’s all laughter until spinach and peas show up on a breakfast table. A friend chuckled that there are lots of Moi features in Eldoret, which was quite an exaggeration…apart from Moi carwash, Moi Kinyozi/get KRA pin here, and Moi University the others are fairly creative names like Barngertuny plaza and Njuguna Gicheha flats.

Eldoret is in Uasin Gishu County. Shakespeare hadn’t heard of Uasin Gishu when he wondered what is in a name. Anyway what is in a name? Nothing! Noooo! Everything.

Can’t we just settle for a single name, double naming defeats the objective of naming which is basically to identify. ‘Scientific’ evidence proves that girls with two baptismal names are 13 times more likely to throw tantrums in club scenes unlike your ordinary Liz, Beth or Betty. Double naming was an early 80s practice that portrayed human greed, it was an act of possessiveness and blatant refusal to incur the opportunity cost. I mean, if you love the names Rose and Mary, just make a choice…rather than picking Rosemary, maybe that’s why names were exhausted and some people had to pick apologetic nouns like Elizaphan or Nemesius.

Athletics is the main spot in Eldie. When Man U was playing Chelsea in October in 2012. I remember cursing after the waitress changed the channel to Oslo marathon just when Torres was taking that missed penalty, the patrons gave me that ‘you have sisal boxers’ look.  I quickly withdrew my cursing and wrote a formal apology for projection after the Marathon. Ok, we all know athletics is not a sport. Like my showy Prof. wondered, why are you running after a fellow human being in absence of danger? Yet you aren’t a predator or a prey. Although I have family ties with Catherine Ndereba, running was a jungle survival tactic that lost essence when we invented the wheel. It’s just not right to give medals based on this physical ability, maybe we should introduce a more mental involving activity like naming 5 ladies who don’t don weaves or pre-race recitation of a sentences with ‘T’ sounds.

To cut the chatter, Eldoret is among the few remaining Kenyan towns free from ‘plasticness’. The inhabitants are real safe for Chepkoilel (or whatever name it has since mutated to) students. It’s among the few towns where you find an almost biblical dance floor without this devil inspired socket rubbing. In Eldoret, drinks are served in stable glasses irrespective of their fruit or wine designations. The DJs are sober enough to hate Beenie Man. The meat is soo original that you can hear a mow when slicing choma. I fancy its defiance to Nairobi sub-culture.

Eldoret is God’s gift to Kenya. Maybe to replace Koitalel or Compensate for Duale.  Make me the president and I will make LD the capital city. Humanity needs a town where brown bread is not welcome.

 Ok, if Eldoret was a Lady, She would still be a Virgin at 30 with a few once a year cuddling here and there. The lady would have #TeamJesus on her twitter bio.

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