We don’t care about your resolutions

We don't care about your resolutions
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Here’s a thought: No one cares about your new year resolutions.

I know, I know, it is inconceivable, impossible even, that no one is interested in what you will not eat in 2018 and where you plan to go, with a bank account that weeps from January to January.

Resolutions have always come off as pretentious and an escapist way to convince oneself that their lives actually have some order.

Here are the five top resolutions that have become a tired narrative

1. Spend less, save more
I’m sorry Monica, but you are still the same vain person you were last year. This means that you will still spend thousands shopping in expensive stores you cannot afford. At the end of the year, the only saving you will witness is people in church going to Christ.

2. Work out
This is not to crap on your body goals. You are allowed to write them down. By all means, look up diet plans and gym subscriptions. Go crazy on the YouTube channels. However, writing this and not following through with it doesn’t make you less unhealthy than you were the past year.

3. New life, new me
Did we miss the memo? I didn’t realize that once the clock struck midnight, a metamorphosis occurred. Unless you immediately decided to seek a life of Christ, the statement is lost on me and everyone else. That said, what this statement actually means is that the person in question is sending a subliminal message of moving on to their ex. As such, they will make it their life’s mission to show them that they have moved on to bigger and better things. Tools of trade will include Selfies, professional photo-shoots, and documentation of every trip done with the new catch.

4. Nimeacha pombe
This has to be my favourite by far. What makes this utterly absurd is the fact that it is often said when one is drunk. It is the drunk’s resolution.  A fantasy at the very least. This will be followed for at least five days, until the devil incarnate in form of a friend, sends a text on Friday, ’’ You guy, come through we have a drink.’’

5. This is the year I get into a stable relationship and good job
Such other ridiculous statements include: Kenya is a democratic state; there is no corruption in Kenya. It is laughable, even to hear that statement. Light-bulb moment: How about you stop talking and actually start doing something to achieve that? The universe gives as much as it receives. If your significant other was misbehaving the previous year, your resolution to be stable won’t stop them. It’s not you. They were not loved enough as children.

Doom and damnation aside, the resolutions might actually come to pass. If you really have to make a resolution, ensure it’s not just in theory. Really though, we don’t care. If you can, get a diary and have them between you and God, or the Supreme Being you believe in. I promise you, the world will not plunge into anarchy.

Happy New Year!

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