One year, six months and 17 days is the exact number of days, that have passed, since I made one of the best decisions of my life.
That day, at Art Cafe inside TRM, I had made an entry into the restaurant for an evening date that never materialized. But while I was serious with the date, something was bothering me: the essence of useless casual encounters, a lifestyle I had embraced for so long.
I am one man who has had so many dates, painfully aware that they will never yield anything beyond a casual encounter, if it so happens. I spent almost an hour waiting for my date, but all through I was having a monologue: what is the essence of this date? I did not come up with a solid answer, and as luck would have it, my date failed for reasons I was not ready to buy. At that instance, I said I am going to try celibacy, starting immediately, and possibly carry on with it for the rest of 2019, to be reconsidered afterward…
There are several reasons why people opt for voluntary celibacy. The reasons range from never having an interest in sex, taking a break for personal problems, creating recovery period after a horrible dating experience, or more like me, creating time to rethink relationships and change the way you approach them.
I cannot say I have ever been in short of suitable girls – it is actually easy to get a date in Nairobi than to get a pizza delivered to your house – I have always had good, humble, and those who meet my definition of ‘disciplined women’! My friends say I am lucky in attracting wife materials, but horrible in keeping them! Very true. Despite all the luck, I found my approach to be inappropriate and largely unable to create intimate, affectionate, and long term relationships. I exited the dating or sex field to address these challenges, but has it been easy?
Not really. Unlike my early college days when I would almost beg for a date, the post-college days have always been the exact opposite, getting unsolicited dates. Before 2019, I would not recall declining a date. But last year I declined so many that I found it funny, not normal for a man like me. But it was a problem I was looking to solve. What even encouraged the decision to commit to celibacy as a way of changing my approach to relationships was the fact that I had never been in a relationship for more than six months. That is a pathetic record for a man who believes he must get married, despite the fact that most men thinking otherwise when it comes to the once holy institution.
It’s an extremely liberating scenario to be able to sleep alongside a woman without feeling the excessive urge to have sex.
I declined dates, and substituted many of them with drinking alone, watching games, reading, and doing my work. The focus was monumental and helped me achieve a number of goals. Outside that there is an aspect of confidence, two casual encounters will leave a man feeling like he has contracted a dangerous STIs. But when it comes to celibacy, you can easily go about your life, and cut weight without having to feel something internal is triggering those changes.
In essence, celibacy has been a journey worth walking. I feel better, more focused, and I have been planning to enter a serious relationship. One of the biggest wins is the ability to create a platonic relationship – these are relationships with the opposite gender that are intimate and affectionate without sex included. It’s an extremely liberating scenario to be able to sleep alongside a woman without feeling the excessive urge to have sex. It allows you to build a more meaningful relationship foundation. In fact, if you find it hard to understand consensual sex life, then you should try celibacy for a few months or even a year plus. It will give you the experience that sex is essentially overrated, even though important, and you won’t really bother anyone who is not in the mood.
I can describe the whole celibacy experience as a fantastic and worthwhile journey. I dare you to try it if you have had an unfulfilling relationship or sex experience with your partner! Too much continues friction not good, and celibacy can put a temporary stop to that..