When God created a woman

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When the good Lord created a woman, he gave her a sad disgruntled face to put on when her man came home from hanging out with the boys. Gave her the ability to hear things that haven’t been said, and to see things that haven’t happened. He perfected her art of jumping into conclusion and that of reading a man’s mind. Incorrectly. The Almighty then put words in her mouth that she would forever fall in love with, “it’s okay. I’m fine. I’m not even mad.”

The angel looked at God and said, “Wow, this woman must be an interesting being.”

“You haven’t seen anything yet.” Said God. She will hate other women. Especially when they threaten her relationship with her man. She will be possessive. Jealous. Just like me. Haha. And the most important thing to her will be how she feels. She must feel good at least most the time. Her man must try and make her feel appreciated. Wanted. Loved. Seen. He must protect her and take care of her in every possible way. It might be seem hard, but it’s very possible.”

The angel couldn’t believe this woman. She needed a lot of attention. There was no difference between her and a kid with special needs.

“I don’t like this woman. She seems to be dangerous. I think we can do without her right?” Asked the Angel.

“No. You need her. You see this? This is her heart. It is big because of the amount of love in it. She will love unconditionally. And hate with almost the same intensity too. Her love is the best gift you’ll ever have. Particularly if she is your mother. She will offer her love to men who appreciate it and those who reciprocate it. Though she will be selfish at times.”

“But isn’t it too much? Look, it’s overflowing. It will surely destroy her.” Said the angel.

“No.” Answered the Lord. “She will learn how to control it. Though it will be hard at times. And it will cause her pain. And loneliness. And suffering. And sorrow. It will break her into pieces. But she will endure. This same love will also make her controlling. Unreasonable. Unrealistic. Insecure. And sometimes, dramatic. But we need her for balance. And you see these, she’ll speak these words in a day.”

The angel counted the words and found 20,0oo words. “For heaven’s sake. Is it possible for a human being to speak all these words and not die? And who will listen to her”

“Mostly her fellow women. Her man is not designed to take them all in. He will lose his mind. Or his eyesight. She’ll need the words to express herself, though this will cause a lot of friction and arguments, because she won’t do it correctly. She’ll only focus on herself and what she feels. And what she wants.”

“What else will this woman do? Demand to be fed when she is hungry?” asked the angel.

“Yes. Sometimes. She will be conditioned to say she is tired when her man wants some pleasure at night. And will have the ability to complain. A lot. And some good things will pass her because of this. She will also manipulate people, especially through tears. And in future, some of the women will be good liars. And thieves. And they will betray their men.”

How can a woman be so loving and heartless at the same time? Thought the angel.

Then the Lord looked at the woman and concluded that she couldn’t be complete if she didn’t have an ass. Something to hold her trousers and to make her look womanly. Something she could boast around with and attract men’s attention.  

When the angel wanted to speak, the Lord hushed him and placed two big circular objects on her chest. With something erect and dark at the front.

“You must be out of your mind”, said the angel. “What are these? The woman looks sexual. Does she really need these? How about a flat chest like mine?”

“No. she can’t have a flat chest Daniel. I can never make someone else in your image. They would be so ugly. I need to be creative. Furthermore, these are food. They will make people feel like home. And they are also for balance. And they are called boobs Daniel. Or breasts. Don’t they sound sweet? And these here are nipples. Here, touch them.”

So Daniel touched the nipples and then the boobs. And he couldn’t believe how good he felt. “How come you kept these from me all along?” asked Daniel.

“Easy. Boy. Easy. You haven’t even seen the best part yet. And that’s enough, It’s not yet time to experiment.” Said the savior.

So Daniel lowered his gaze in shame trying to hide his erect manhood.

Our good Lord then placed a huge gap in her stomach. “She will always be hungry even after she eats. And when her man takes her out for dinner, she will want to eat what he has ordered. The most boring thing is that she will be very indecisive.”

Daniel shook his head in disbelief, wondering if it was possible to satisfy the needs of this woman.

“See these ones here? These are eggs. These will make her fertile. I would have explained further but you wouldn’t get it. Science wasn’t meant for you. But they are responsible for babies. And this close to heart is neediness. She will always be needy. Always want to be given attention. She will want to be heard. All the time. To be touched. And don’t think of touching her nipples. To be held through the night. And to be texted. Called. Complimented. I can go on until the cows come home. Speaking of cows, did we find the other ones or can I make them again?”

 “And why are there holes here and here” Asked Daniel. “I bet now she will have three eyes.”

“She already has four. And three hands to multi task. And this here is not a hole. It’s called a vagina. And it’s many things. I really don’t want to get into details now. My girlfriend is not around. But it’s a very beautiful thing. Very beautiful Daniel. And sweet.”

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