A long time ago, I ghosted a girl. She was beautiful, had skin the colour of honey, a beautiful face that radiated kindness, and a body that was a box of erotic pleasure.
We went on several dates. She was fun to be with. Great conversationalist. She had this calm demeanor that men hanker after and hard to come by, lately. In short, she was everything you would want in a girl. And worse, she really had a thing for me and wanted the relationship to work. But down the line, before things could be taken to the next level, I noticed something that made me think twice.
When I was a young man, my nephew, who is older than me and essentially the man I looked up told me something that I have always lived with: “Silas if you feel like you are going to waste a girl’s time, don’t. Leave her alone, there is always a man out there who will appreciate her better.”
It is a piece of advice that I have lived with ever since. And I noticed that while the girl was beautiful and all, she lacked a certain spark that I wanted. I was at a place I wanted a girl who will break my heart or a bad girl in short. She was too nice. I left her alone. And sure, as hell, my next girl took my heart and flushed it down a toilet.
Ever since I have had an intellectually understanding of ghosting. Here is what I know: The party that ghosted is the most honest. It is better to ghost than to give someone false hopes. Or date and build expectations to a point where it will be irreversible.
I know being ghosted feels like shit. You feel awful. You question a lot. Was it my looks? Was it the sex? Was it something I said? Was it something I did?
I was once ghosted. To date, I have asked myself so many questions. Maybe it was payback time. But it hurt like hell.
Know this, half the time it has nothing to do with you. The one who ghosts also loves you enough not to tell you the truth, because people out here pretend that they can handle the truth, but few people can handle the truth when served raw. So, sometimes people leave, knowing that we are all resilient to handle rejection when served with no explanation.
The first consolation about ghosting, from a male point of view is that it has nothing to do with your looks. Unless, you look astonishingly different from your photos online and you meet for the first time and he feels cheated. But if it is someone you have met and he makes a move, it means that he approves of your looks. Because men are physical, and unless one is really greedy, we only make moves on ladies that we have visualized in a certain sexual way.
I have asked people why they ghost and here are the common reasons:
- For men, they discover the lady is too independent/ Works both ways
Now, women hate it that men don’t like independent women. It is far more complex than this. Cities harden people and lately, most women have learned the hard way to protect their personal space. But this means the threshold of letting a man into their lives is high. When a man wants a woman, he is looking for someone he can love and be with. But when you encounter a woman who tries to prove to you that she pays her rent, drives her own car, and in charge of her own shit on the first day, any man can smell trouble from the word jump.
Because men never seek material stuff in a woman. It is something that most women have backwards. Certainly, a few fuckboys and male gold diggers don’t mind fleecing lady, but a serious man is never interested in material stuff, and when they seek a woman, they want the physical, emotional and social connection. But in Nairobi, most girls look at money and material stuff as an end itself and men see money as a means to an end.
So, if on the first date the first energy a woman radiates is how materially well of she is, she will scare a potential man when the man discovers that she has more money than him or if he has more money, he will be non-impressed.
So, a balance of interest from the word go is helpful.
This also applies to men who brag too much. For women who are intelligent or have their money, material things don’t impress them too much and want to have a look at your character. Most men fail the test when they brag about their material stuff. Material things always attract low-quality people likely to vanish from your life when they run out. Unless you both out for a good time.
- No sexual attraction
Sometimes you meet someone you had feelings for from a distance and when you meet close range and spend time together you realize there is no spark. It is underrated. Rarely taken into consideration and the most complicated thing to explain. Because it doesn’t mean that either party is unattractive. It is the attraction that draws you closer, but proximity has a way of shattering fantasies. I don’t know how this affects women, but I am sure, but for men, sometimes if there is no attraction, you can sleep with a woman in the same bed and nothing will happen. Or sex that is so mechanical, neither party wants to look forward to a rematch.
- Personal issues
Sometimes we get into relationships, but we have our personal demons. You realize you love your prospect too much to let them in into your life when you are handling personal problems. So, you start with all the enthusiasm, but suddenly you realize, emotionally, you are not ready and it is hard to communicate, because it may sound all too flimsy, especially if the other party is overly too enthusiastic. You withdraw slowly. And go heal before you can try a relationship again.
- Toxic traits in the prospect
Sometimes you start dating and you notice toxic habits in the person you are interested in. Many adults are well-tuned to smell a narcissist, a liar and an irresponsible person from the word go.
Personally, one trait that I don’t tolerate are petty lies. Dates who don’t keep time without any explanation. Also, people who lie through their nose about their relationship status. People are never completely single. Some are dating but available, even for sex. Some have entanglements with their baby daddies and baby mamas. Some with their ex, office boyfriend, and girlfriend. And people always fail to disclose these things until there are conflicting dates, and they come with very silly excuses for not honoring the date.
Here is the thing. When you get into a new relationship, start with zero enthusiasm and let it grow as the other person proves their worth to you. Be ready for disappointment, including ghosting. Make the relationship be like a game that people play and we are all trying to unlock different levels. Unlock different levels of enthusiasm, trust, and faith, as time goes by.
If you are ever ghosted, thank God the ghosting fool didn’t waste so much of your time and you can detected bullshit in a person and smell someone about to ghost you from far away.