You won’t do me in my house, baby

SHORT STORY: The End of an Affair
Reading Time: 4 minutes

‘Hi honey’   Man, doesn’t this guy know by now that I am allergic to honey hence. Can he even try ‘sweetie’ or ‘sugar’.

‘Hi Love’ I respond reluctantly

‘Can I come over tonight?’

‘……….typing…’ I go offline before sending him some lines that can burst his already bloated ego and annoying entitlement. Can we have some real talk dear gentlemen?

The New year is a few days from now but before we sit down and discuss the 2018 resolutions that shouldn’t miss on your diary (like losing that beer kitambi that makes you look 50 yet you are only 31), let us first clean up the cluttered 2017 house. Gentlemen (notice that today I am really courteous) here are some stupid things that should be never find their way into 2018, grab your seats now…

1. No more House dates: 

Your woman’s crib is just that – her house. Resist all temptations to turn it into a camping site by- all- means. Her fine leather seats may make you feel like you are floating on Mars but the moment you make this a habit, is the day she will start being busy on all weekends and flimsy excuses not to meet you will suddenly come up.’ I am attending a chama meeting.’  ‘The dog has an appointment with the vet’. Be a man- take her to Java!

2. Asking a girl out via whatsapp:

How is this even a 21st Century problem?  Yaani your parents sold their ancestral land to take you to University. Then Heaven was kind to you and you got a job as a sales manager at a blue-chip company. Your salary is double that of your high school teacher. You meet a girl, fall for her, and voila! Text her good morning, goodnight then finally the most dreaded texts by all ladies ‘I want to meet you soon, when are you free? Buy some airtime and call! Next issue please.

3. Kindness and flirting are just that- different! 

Jane your colleague may just be kind enough to check on you every morning but that doesn’t mean that she wants you. So, texting her (the devils second name is texting) that you find her profile picture is sexy is just crazy and obnoxious!

4. You like a woman- be direct with her!

Ciru, my pal was ‘seeing’ James for about 2 years. The earth took a trip around the sun 2 bloody years while James was still deceiving her. All Fridays- together. All weddings –together. When she gathered the courage, and asked him to define the relationship, James buttered out a few incoherent lines. ‘I looo—ve you babes but I’m taking things slow. …BLA BLA BLA!  If you know that you are not ready to take a girl seriously then be as direct as possible from day one.

5. Dead-beat manenos:

I am yet to figure out how a man walks confidently in town with a slight bounce and gait after receiving his salary without a care in this world if his child slept hungry! The rising number of single mothers in Kenya is itself an indicator that men should buckle up! If you father a child, whether it works out or not with the baby mama, do yourself a favor and raise that child before your ancestors decide to strike you with madness!

6. Wanna-be life:

It’s ok to earn 30k (most Kenyans don’t) but pretending that you earn 100k in a corporate company while flaunting around with your big brother’s ride is just an abomination by all standards. Living in Huruma is not a crime. So, stop lying that you live in Kileleshwa yet your true caller reads ‘Jose Wa Huruma! No scrubs in 2018.

7. Living in your parents’ house:

The world is grappling with serious issues like alien life being found in Mars or Mugabe being ousted in Zimbabwe. So, this shouldn’t even be an issue in 2017!   A 30-year-old man (who annoyingly calls himself boychild) still living with his parent’s house is a huge threat to the economy, how else do you expect landlords in Pipeline to get tenants? Move out before I finish up this article… (insert a Nigerian sneer)

8. Drunk Driving:

All the bar tenders in Westlands know your name. They all rush to attend to you because you always leave your change when drunk! You keep calling the barmaid your wife’s maiden name but still claim that your driving skills are unmatched even in your dead drunken state. Resist this stupidity that will soon give you a free passport to hell!

9. Dating a woman for more than 5 years

We change governments change every 5 years (except when they rig to stay in power), four years in the USA but no, you are still dragging Joy, your beautiful woman in this oblivion that you call dating! 5 years is enough to build 10 superhighways, 6 hospitals, 6 schools! Marry her or walk away!

10. Recycling clothes and stinky armpits:

How do you even wake up and take a shirt you had worn the previous shirt and rewind it? How? Let’s not even mention boxers! This low life, shady habit is the reason why Cherry the girl you fancy will never hug you! There should also be no reason why by 10 a.m. you stink like a dead fish! Scrub those makwapas and use a roll on before you leave the house.

11. Assuming every woman doing well has a sponsor

A woman shares her pictures sunning herself in the Coast, and in        the comments section some low-life goes like, “show us the pic of     the sponsor”. A woman drives a good car, and while in your bus,       the only thing you can think of is that it was bought for her. A woman lives in a good neighbourhood, gets visited by a colleague,   or relative and in your tiny mind, you think every male visitor is a sponsor. Dude, get a life.

Merry Christmas.

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